Why does it hurt more than expected? I guess that's today's question, why does it hurt more than what you think it will? Since I haven't had time (or effort) to update frequently I'll catch you up a bit on the goings on in my life. So since I last wrote things have pretty much gone down hill, I no longer live with my boyfriend and that is one mess in itself, and we're on the verge/already have broken up. Notice how I didn't specify? That's because I'm not sure if we're together or not, it's a complicated order at this point in time.
Well after my last post things only got worse for us, he became more distant and his mother more hostile. It was to the point that I couldn't even go down stairs for some water or food, yeah insane right? Well I talked to my mother, can you tell we're mama's boys, and she just told me to get out and move back home. This is the last thing I ever wanted to do because firstly, I knew moving out would only widen the distance between Nate and I, in more way then one, and secondly because I've been on my own for a long while now and I like my freedom.
Anyhow I moved out and I figured I'd still be going over regularly and seeing him and cuddling, but this wasn't the case at all. His mother threw a huge fit and banned me from the house all together, causing a fight between he and his family. I felt like shit because it's his dream home and his family, I didn't want to cause any problems for him or them, I just wanted to be with my boyfriend.
Well apparently they made up and that made me feel happy but the cost was my not being able to go over at all. Ever. I found this out and almost died right there on the spot, how could someone forbid you to see the person you love? I can't go over at night, weekends, during the day, or even in another dimension apparently.
Through this though Nate started getting into the habit of telling white lies. I call them white lies because I guess that's what they are, but to me a lie is a lie.
He lied about his whereabouts, he went to hang out with some nasty little whore when he said he was at his friends house. He lied about not being home when he was, which isn't a big deal but why lie?
So all of that has been baring down on me/us and I'm not sure where we stand anymore. I do love him, I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and more than I thought possible.
How do you deal with that kind of love?
Anyhow today is the chopping block, I left him his house key and took almost all of my stuff from his house. There are only a few things left there, which I can grab at a later time when I know what's going on for sure.
I went to SF this weekend and he kind of broke up with me there because I called him out on a lie and he didn't like it. It was an ugly fight where he called me psycho and told me he couldn't deal with me anymore. I cried, to put it simply. I cried inside of a few bars and just couldn't handle. I even came back a day early because I didn't want to deal with people or the world. The drive back was quick and full of tears, at one point I had to stop because I couldn't see straight, yeah it was bad...
I just looked at how much I wrote and I realize that I just vented to you, if there is a you, and for that I apologize. Anyhow, I'm sitting on the couch which is also my bed, trying not to breakdown again and wondering if it's even worth it to go on? Not in a life kind of way, but with our relationship. What do you think, I've always depended on the kind words of strangers.
Happy Thoughts...
Is This Love?
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...
I don't think I'm going to start today's post with a question, mainly because I couldn't think of one, and because I don't feel the need to ask you anything. If there is a you. Who are you? Well I guess that was my question, anyhow a lot is going on in my mind at the moment, far too much for me to really understand and process. Mayhap it's because I'm crazy and need constant drama in my life, or maybe it's because I see things in a different light, either way my thoughts are beginning to consume me.
Recently, things have not been running as smooth with the boyfriend as I would have hoped, I guess it has something to do with us living together, or maybe it's because I'm a complicated fucking order, who knows. I do know however that I need certain things from a relationship, things that can't be bought or sold... unless you're a sex worker. To cut to the chase, I haven't felt that intimate with him in some while, and when we do go that special place it feels forced on his end, like he's over it.
Now again, this is most likely because I am crazy and full of drama, but then again to me it's a real issue. For example, I know it's not because he doesn't have the need to be intimate, I walked in on him being intimate with himself. I normally don't have a problem with masturbation, I think it's a very healthy human activity, but when you have a boyfriend who is ready and willing, and you choose to beat off everyday I think it's kind of jacked up... no pun intended.
So that's what's going on with the boyfriend, and besides that little annoyance things are going well. His mother hates me for something I'm not even sure I did, and living here can be uncomfortable at times, but I guess in all it's worth it.
At work I am trying to get myself promoted, I want more money and better hours so I've been working my ass off. Not to mention that we just lost two people and I am now a trainer taking on three apprentices. At the moment I am feeling really weak, I don't think I have enough strength to keep writing so I'll end on that. Hope y'all are doing better than me.
Happy Thoughts...
Oh, It Is Love
What is today's question of the day? I have to ask, how do you combine your love and your passion? That is something I have been asking myself a lot lately, how do I keep on loving while still enjoying the passions I have in my life? To be honest, this has never been an issue with me, the couple of times I have been in love I was always able to go about my daily life not caring what was going on with my boyfriend/love interest at the time. Now however, my love is almost consuming, it is a genuine living monster that breaths cold fire every moment I see my boyfriend. I think it has something to do with the fact that I haven't been this in love before, and I know everyone says that a million times, but for me it's true. Nate brings out a side of me I never knew I had, and this isn't always a good thing. I am horribly jealous and untrusting when it comes to love, but Nate somehow makes things better. The moment I being to doubt him or us, he's there reassuring me without even knowing it.
Yesterday was our anniversary, one month officially, but we've been together since December. I guess that means it's more like five months? Anyhow, I sent him a text in the morning when I realized and he didn't make a big deal of it, and responded with his usual message about loving me. I wasn't upset or anything but i was slightly perplexed, why didn't he wish me a happy anniversary? So it also happened to be mothers day and we were going to meet my mother at her house for a family party. There was a problem because he wanted to take his mother to dinner, and I wanted him to meet my family, so we agreed to work it out when I got home. So long story short, when I get out of work I get a message from my mom that my brother is having emergency surgery, his appendix needed to be removed.
Of course being the person I am, I flipped out and drove back to Nate's house and told him what was happening. We decided to go to the hospital for a little then out to dinner with his mother. Did I mention that he MADE a bouquet of flowers for my mom, like picked flowers, bought some, and arranged them in a pretty vase? Well he did and my mother loved them. She liked him too, but in a hospital you like everything that isn't related to the person being worked on.
When we got back, we sat on the couch and watched some TV, and out of the blue he said he had something for me in the back seat of his car. I was really confused because I hadn't seen anything but agreed to go out and get whatever it was. To my shock it was a card, filled with the most amazing words I have ever read, professing his love and dedication to me. I was beyond touched, he had cared about the one month milestone.
So I guess I have diverged from my talk about passion, but not really. My passion is life and all that it has to offer, my love is Nathan and all he is. how do I combine the two? By enjoying my life with Nathan, and allowing myself to grow as an individual and as part of a couple.
Happy Thoughts....
P.S. Here is an awesome playlist, it makes me happy when I'm not feeling too good. Also, the title of this post is the name of one of the songs, in case you hadn't already guessed.
The Story So Far
Why must I always start with a question? Well today's post starts with this questions, why am I so content to forget my dreams in favor of love? In case you missed it, and since I haven't posted in a long time you probably have, I am in a relationship with an amazing guy. We've been dating since December, and at first I thought it was going to be something silly. I planned to move to NYC in June and he was simply going to be my entertainment until then, little did I know that I would fall madly in love with him. He is beyond amazing, there are no words to describe him, except love.
Moving forward, this love of him confuses me, I no longer have the urge to be a journalist in the respect that I once did. I still want to travel and see the world, to photograph and write but not unless I am with him. This post is turning out to be very whiny isn't it?
Well, he's downstairs at the moment cleaning or something, and I am sitting typing away on his computer on his bed in his room feeling more and more lost as the minuets tick by, and more in love then I have felt in many years.
Happy Thoughts...
P.S.
Today's title comes courtesy of Pansy Division, check them out.
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Hung Up
Where to being, where to begin? It seems I have started most of my posts with a question of sorts but I guess that's because I'm always unsure of how to begin. I suppose I'll begin where I last left off, New York.
How can I describe my experience in New York City other than amazing. It completely changed my life and mood of thinking and how I felt about life. I cannot wait to go back, and it's thoughts about the city that help calm me down when I need calming, or give me hope when I feel like I've got none left. In short it's in my blood and I need more.
It's currently 7 a.m. and I'm awake, no I'm not on New York time, I just have an appointment at school, another place I left off. I finished the year but with changes to what I last wrote. I got moved up to News Editor, I stopped being Co-Managing Editor for the magazine, I was Managing Editor for the online site, and I was VP for the LGBTQ club. Now I face this coming Autumn with more responsibilities and some more units. I will be Editor In Chief of the Newspaper, as well as taking over the online site, and I will be taking 16 units.
Did I happen to mention that I lost my job? Well I did, and before you start wondering how this seems like a Lot more than last semester let me say that I have a new job and will be working full time. Coupled with my responsibilities as EIC and the amount and complexity of classes I don't see myself having very much free time. This isn't too bad as I will be done with this school after Spring of '12, and able to transfer to a university to complete my degree to do whatever the hell it is I will be doing with my life.
Finally, I must, most unfortunately go back to Seattle. I have been thinking about it a lot lately, and I am not too happy to be doing so, as a matter of fact I would rather put it all out of my mind, but I can't. I hurt a few people who were very good to me and I regret it very much, they didn't deserve what I did to them. I would love to go up there and apologize, to do anything I could to make things right but I don't think that would be wise. I hope if anyone the people involved read this, they know how truly sorry I am and that if I could go back and do things over, I would.
I guess that is my lament for the day, what a great way to bring back my personal blog right? Also, you want a news-worthy blog concerning politics, baseball, and journalism head over to PBJournalism.com it's my new site.
Happy Thoughts....
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Some good tunes for a semi-good morning, and for a continuation of my blog.
Back Down South - Kings of Leon
Young Folks - Peter Bjorn & John
Train Song - Ben Gibbard & Feist
So Far Around The Bend - The National
Larado - Infinite Arms
Wicked Blood - Sea Wolf
Order Restored
So, I understand it's been a while since I last wrote on this blog, many a moon has passed as some would put it. I hope to write more regularly if I have the time to do so, for now I'm just going to be updating on my life and what's been happening.
To begin, I'm back in school and working. I have been trying not to look back on Seattle, which has proved very difficult. I can't believe that it's been almost a year since I left, it kind of scares me. I think about those people a lot, but I hope that I can divert my focus now that school has started back up again.
I am the current Opinion Editor for the newspaper, Co-Managing editor for the magazine, and Webmaster for the online site. Aside from that journalism stuff I am also taking 18 units and still an active member of the GSA. Pretty insane right?
I'm not too stressed in all honesty, it's giving me some me to transfer sooner than I would other be. I leave for New York in a little under a week, for a media convention, which is going to be pretty cool. I'm pretty nervous about it but it will be fun. That's about it, I though I would have more to write but I guess not. Till next time I s'pose.
Happy Thoughts...
Teenage Dream...
So it's been a while since I last wrote but I feel I was justified. Anyhow tonight I will be writing about something I feel I need to, out of sheer shock. Glee.
To those of you who are not fans I need to say one thing, This is one bandwagon you want to be on. To those who already are fans, keep it going.
The show is pretty amazing, and it's really got a good message and such. One of the main themes is diversity, and acceptance. Tonight's episode, "Never Been Kissed" was all about diversity and acceptance... in a way.
To those fans who haven't seen it, SPOILER ALERT!
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So Kurt has been feeling down about being the only out kid at school, and it's kinda taking it's tole on him. So when Fin tells him to go to the all boy school to "spy" he bitterly accepts. What he finds, is an accepting place where people who are different don't have to hide themselves, and in the process meets a very, VERY attractive guy. He watches the Dalton Acadomy Warblers performer a cover of "Teenage Dream" and Kurts eyes seem to twinkle.
He Befriends openly gay Blain, and is encouraged to confront the bullies and fight for what's right. This is where things get even better!
After being shoved against a locker, kurt chases after the jock and calls him out in the locker room, leading to a magnificent kiss!
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OK So there has been a lot of speculation about who will be Kurts boyfriend, and now it seems clear to me that it's gonna be this jock. No joke.
That's pretty much it for now, till next time.
Happy Thoughts...
My Delirium
So I'm awake so early and I should be sleeping. It's not that I'm not tired or anything it's just that I can't sleep. I have been having nightmares lately and I always have them but these have been very especially terrifying. Tonights kinda pushed the limit in my book, it really freaked me out, so much so that I had to turn the light on.
Why didn't I just go back to sleep you ask? Well this dream as so damn vivid and real I couldn't risk sleeping. I was dreaming that I was chasing a demon or something, not sure if that's it but I think so. I was with some people and this demon was going from person to person and we couldn't stop it. I was told by one of the people we were with that it was the one who possessed someone who's name began with an "M" or maybe that was it's name?
Anyhow, it was pretty scary cos there was like this scroll or something that I had and when it saw that it came at me, and that's what woke me up. I hate having nightmares, especially ones that involve the devil or demons cos I never know if it's just a dream or if it's real. I usually wake up from my nightmares with some kind of panic and the dream usually lingers for a while after. If I happen to wake up in the middle of the night I most likely won't be able to fall asleep again, like tonight.
Well to change the mood here are some morning songs for you to enjoy, and possibly lull you back to sleep.
My Delirium - Ladyhawke
Night Drive - Jimmy Eat World
Stormy Weather - Etta James
Blue Moon - Jo Stafford
Bowl For Two - The Expendables
Never Been Alone - The Cutaway
Happy Thoughts...
P.S.
Don't Get Lost in Heaven...
It's been a while sine I last posted and I was inspired by a friend to post. This won't be a long post just an update, I'll post more for y'all later maybe tomorrow? Anyhow, school is going and I think I took too much on... like usual. It's an amazing feeling to be back in the newsroom but there are little things here and there that bother me. I wish I was an editor that way I could do/write more. I'm not to sure what people think of me trying to get my fingers in everything, which is what I'm doing, and I'm not too sure I care. I designed the magazine and newspaper website which I am incredibly proud of, I think I maybe one of the few people in there who knows how to use illustrator. I've also been working on a really cool videocast, like hella sick. It's called The Score! and I'm doing it with Justin Enriquez...at least I think that's his last name. I won't even get into work right now, but let's just say I'm not sure if I can go to school and work at the same time. Anyhow folks that's about it, I'm about to go to work, gonna be there till one thirty A.M. wish me luck!
Happy thoughts...
P.S. Episode #2 of The Score
