A Dustland Fairytale

So the past couple of days I have done some thinking, not because I like to, but because a friend is going through the same situation and I was reading eclipse. I was thinking about a guy, and usually I won't put anything about how vulnerable I feel in this blog, but I'll make this exception this once.

As some of you may or may not know I was in a four year "relationship" with my neighbor, Mitch. When I moved in to my house I didn't know him, only saw him from afar, and didn't think much of him, to be honest I can't really remember when I first met him, but I do know when we started hanging out. I believe it was when he was practicing his fly fishing and I just wanted a friend, so I looked over the fence and called to him. I eventually got to know him better and we became good friends, me falling slowly for him.

The moment I knew I was in love with him was when we sat around my pond and played twenty-questions, me asking if he liked anyone, hoping he would say me. We spent the summer together almost everyday smiling, laughing, and swimming. We would go to his house and swim, after a few moments I would get out because it was too cold for me, and lay on the cement as he saw to the edge and we would watch each other. I can remember looking at him, the sun bouncing off his golden hair and his blue eyes watching me bask in the sun. Those summer days seemed endless, and once when we finished swimming I caught a glimpse of something that made me rethink my whole being.

A few weeks passed and we had a sleepover where we did some night swimming in the nude. When it was time to come in, he had made me a bed on the floor, and we started to play truth and dare, it was my only chance to try and be intimate with him. We dared each other to be sexual and it was my first real experience with another boy. The next day I went home feeling ashamed and we did not speak for a while.

This whole time when I would see him at school he would not really acknowledge me like I wanted him to, he never introduced me to his friends or them to me. It would hurt that he didn't but I grew accustomed to it and knew ours was a relationship that was only for home.

We began high school and it was odd, the older teens knew more about life than we did, and most of the friends I had during Jr. High had gone to new ones, and I was left alone, he was my only friend for a while. While in high school our relationship grew more unstable, and my feelings deepened, not knowing what to do I feel into a deep depression. I began to use art as a means to express how I felt, and I mainly drew the two of us. One day when I couldn't take it any longer I told him that I loved him, when he told me he didn't love me I kicked him out of my house and started to cry.

Our relationship was strained after that and I would see him only when he wanted to have sex, since I was still in love with him I would give him what he wanted. The last time I was in his house as a guest we had a long sexual encounter and I finally was able to see that I had no place in his world.

Things ended badly for us when my parents left for a weekend trip and he attacked me, breaking our fence in the process. That was in 2006, almost three years ago, and to this day I can honestly say there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. There isn't a single day of my life that I don't remember his wet body in pool as I lay on the cement, I still love him, and I don't believe I can ever find someone who I will love like I loved him. When I do see him now, he ignores me and looks through me. This is worse than anything he could ever say or do, to pretend those years we spent together never happened. He is/was my life and love. I gave him my heart, and like a fool when it ended, I didn't ask for it back.

(UN)Happy Thoughts...

P.S.

Here's another one...

Cry Baby Cry

.:sigh:. Cold today have gone any worse? Like really, I think it was one of the worst days I have had in a long while, not only because I wasn't feeling well, but because I made a complete and total ass of myself. This doesn't happen a lot, I tend to try and be more stable than I was today.

Today I wasn't feeling well so I decided to to stay home, but the one day I decide to stay home, everything happens with the magazine. Aldo, our photographer, came to take the staff photo of us but I didn't know this. So I got up despite feeling ill and went to go get my picture taken, but when I got there he was gone. Isn't that perfect? Not only wasn't he there, but he hadn't uploaded the photo's he took into the server so the designer could finish my page. I was really pissed I almost started crying, literally. People in the newsroom don't usually bother me, in fact the atmosphere is generally warm and inviting. Today though me being in the pissed mood I was it seemed dark and aggravating.

I told those who were bothering me that I wasn't in the mood, and they seemed to be chill with it. There were those who didn't take the hint and continued with it, I had had enough. I told them they could be my proxy and do what they needed to do for me and I stormed out. I met with Arthur who is a good friend and explained the situation, he was very sympathetic. I was going to leave but realized I had no money for the bus, so I was forced to go to LAMBDA. Bad Idea.

Some of the people there just piss me off, they are not the people I would normally associate myself with. So I sat and skulked in the corner, when a group who was looking for an endorsement came to speak. They are part of AS and generally I don't trust them. So after that we just spoke about some things that needed speaking and got on with our meeting.

I was able to get a ride home and I got a call from my friend and I apologized for being such a douche during the day. She was very kind and understanding and I owe her a lot. That was my day, and it didn't go too well, but it was still eventful. Honestly I think I could have made it better if I would have taken the time to think things through and maybe understand the situation better.

Happy Thoughts...

When you least expect it...

Odd and eventful things tend to happen when you least expect them, like during the past two weeks.

To begin with, two weeks we published our second issue of the Mountaineer, and it wasn't the best we've done, but it was still pretty fucking bomb. The cover was done well, it was a photo illustration of two gay men holding hands, with words of hate ahead of them. The stories were well...OK. There is one thing that I am particularly proud of, the opinion that was published about the "F" word, and "N" word. Many people seemed to like it, but others felt it was over the top and not correct to compare the two, but I think that the writer was trying to make people think about both words and how the affect those they are used against.

Anyhow, Easter Sunday came, and I went down to San Diego to visit some family, I expected it to go very bad with me huddled in the corner like usual, but I guess fate had a different plan for the day. The drive down with my Grandma and step-dad was smooth and calm, as was the weather. When we arrived, I was greeted by family with smiles and warm hugs, this is not unusual but kinda odd coming from some of them. We than proceeded to play badminton, which was INTENSE. My aunt, and I were going at it for a good hour before the kids came and took it over. The food my uncle prepared was AMAZING, and I had several helpings feeling completely bloated. The night ended and my family and I drove home. This is something new to me, the fact the all my relatives were getting along, and not aggravating me. It seriously has never happened before.

This week was better though, I went out with some co-workers several times during the week, getting drunk and other stuff, playing beer pong, and smoking hookah. It was pretty cool to chill with them because I haven't for quite some time.

Last night though had to be the icing on the cake, the GLAAD awards. This event was so fucking cool and inspirational, seeing all those gays in one place who have all made a difference in the community. I went with LAMBDA through an organization called Bienestar located in Pomona. I met some of the cast from the L word, as well as Greek, but the highlight had to be the Bishop Gene Robinson. He did a little Q&A for the youth after party and we were able to ask him a few questions. I asked if he felt the wedge driven between the Gay community and the religious community would take some time to dissipate, and he said that eventually all those "old" people who felt the gay community were wrong were going to die off and that would be when the two could finally merge. I was able to shake his hand and tell him how much what he was doing meant to me. He gave me a hug for that, it felt so good to have a man of God embrace me like a brother. It felt really good.

Continuing on my week we will see what happens with journalism and the gay community, stay tuned!

Happy Thoughts...

You're so gay

So I know that my blog isn't really what a blog should be, which is what people reading might find interesting. Now I'm going to take a step closer to it being a proper blog with this post.

So as of Monday the 6Th of April, gay marriage was legalized in Vermont, and the Friday before it was legalized in Iowa, this is a major step for the gay community. In a matter of days two very different states decided that same sex couples should, and will have the same rights as any other couple.

The reason it is a big deal for Iowa is because it is a state in the Midwest, an area of the united states that is sort of known for being ultra conservative and have a lot of discrimination towards gays. If a conservative state like Iowa can recognize same sex marriage, why can't the most liberal state in the union, California?

Along with those two states, Washington D.C. decided it would recognize same sex marriages from preformed outside the city, isn't that grand? This is bringing us all a step closer to equality, or is it?

There was a video released from The National Organization for Marriage that shows several actors discussing how gay marriage will infringe on the rights of heterosexuals. How is that possible, will the government force straight people to be involved in gay marriages? There was one actor talking about how her "son" was forced to learn about same sex couples, and how it is natural, but isn't it? Even if it wasn't wouldn't the schools still teach about gay marriage as a part of history? There is no escaping it honey.

What's more is the people were actors, and not really telling their own stories, isn't that sad? You couldn't find real people to complain about gay marriage so you needed to hire actors. This video also seemed like it was trying to scare people, isn't that a bit dishonest to do? Fear isn't something to use to make people decided on another person's rights.

I only have one thing to say to those people who are older and want to ban gay marriage, it was a lovely quote "you've already lost, my generation doesn't care."

Happy Thoughts...

P.S.
The video is available here.

Gimme More

Wow, another day, another dream right? Well I can tell you that yeah that's how it is, for many reasons of course.

Today was the release of the new issue of the Mountaineer, and the launch of the website, mountiewire.com, and it felt pretty good to have my name on there. The fruit of my loins and of others, has finally come to fruition, and that's not something to sneeze at. Also, in the newspaper, I wrote an opinion about something very controversial, which is always a good thing. There was only one little draw back, a lot of people where offended by it.

I'm not saying that offending people is wrong, if you do it in the correct manor, but it could very well get me killed. In fact, Toni told me to tell her if I got any threats, kinda freaky huh? To be be honest though, I'm not scared, the thought of it kinda makes me want those who are offended to tell me something so I could defend my reasoning.

On other, more joyous news, I spoke to a fried, who we can call "molly" told me she had a crush on another writer and that this writer had mutual feelings for her. Nice right? Of course it is, and I'm, happy for her but it made me think of a face I haven't seen in a while, who I saw today by chance.

Ah, the elusive one, who we shall call "Sean." Now Sean and I are nothing more than friends, but I think for me it's a little more complicated than that. When we talk, it flow, if that makes any sense, and I don't have to be myself, it just am without any concerns. At first I was nervous talking to him, since, to the best of my knowledge he's straight, but I've come to realize it doesn't matter to him.

I know for a fact he knows I have a small crush on him, and it's amazing that he doesn't get awkward, or tell me to back off, that's really rare to find in a straight guy. I know my luck has my falling for the straight guy and I think it may be my downfall some day, but right now it's nice to flirt and have him flirt back, even if he's not interested.

Sean is one of a kind, we have very similar taste in music, and we connect in a strange way, not like I've connected with anyone in a long time...no I've never connected with anyone like this before. Strange isn't it that when I first saw him I thought he was so scary and totally against the gays, little did I know he would be a dear friend, and a current love interest, not that he's interested in me.

Happy Thoughts...

Such Great Heights

Suspended twenty feet above the ground...wait, that's not the beginning..hmm? OK, Here we go!

Blistered hands, scrapped knees, and sore muscles, sounds like a good time right? Well it was but for very different reasons. I went rock climbing today for the first time in several months, and it couldn't have gone better.

Events, well First off I dreamt about it last night cos I couldn't stop thinking about how much fun I was going to have. I woke up a bit earlier than usual and got ready, but I had so much time on my hands. Oh, I also forgot, this is for an article I wrote about climbing for substance. So Susie came for me and we got there before our photographer did. It gave us time to warm up and show Susie how to use her equipment. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, but still wasn't bad.

Aldo, our photographer, showed up and I belayed Susie up the wall where Aldo shot her. He did a really good job, and when he was done, I went on to boulder some more. I felt very inexperienced compared to most of the people there, but I guessed that they were all at my level at some point in time. There were a lot of guys there too, HOT guys. I was so shocked because I expected guys, but not hot ones. Well Emily showed up and she learned to belay and climb.

Just about the time she showed up, Aldo was leaving. It was OK, but would have been fun to boulder with him. Anyhow, I let Em climb, and lo an behold, a perfect example of a man walks in. He looked so nice and was exactly my type. Em and I watched as he climbed around getting all hot and sweaty, while we got all hot and bothered. I couldn't explain but I got a vibe from him, not exactly a gay one, but he may be a little curious.

So, being the investigative journalist I am, I asked him if he would do an interview since he was from Mt SAC, and what hot guy wouldn't want to be interviewed? I pretty much asked him why he came to climb, and how long he has been doing it. In the process, he gave me his number, I didn't even have to ask. I could also tell he was checking me out, yeah I'm that good.

All in all it was a great day, and I may just get a membership so I can see him again. Oh, did I mention, he's in the Fire Academy at Mt. SAC ;)

Happy Thoughts...

Sky Blue Sky

On a momentary thought that crossed my mind sometime the other day, I felt more than I Have in a while, and this thought was not an easy one to explain. I felt so relaxed, energetic, and drunk on life, complicated no? These moments don't come often for me, which is regrettable. I was riding my bike home from Teresa's house and with more speed building up, I was let go of all my fears and worries, let myself breath and enjoy the sun.

I thought about what was coming to me in the future and now about what was happening to me in the present. I imagined my life as I wanted it, small apartment, some form of pet, and a nice boyfriend, to add maybe a nice job while I'm in school. It's gonna be a good life, and I can only wait for it to come at me full force. Throw your hate at me and I'll give it back in love, Shoot your despair at me and I'll toss it back as Hope.

Happy Thoughts...

P.S.
I said this would happen rarely, so here is a song that I like and it goes with how I feel. Check it out.