A Dustland Fairytale

So the past couple of days I have done some thinking, not because I like to, but because a friend is going through the same situation and I was reading eclipse. I was thinking about a guy, and usually I won't put anything about how vulnerable I feel in this blog, but I'll make this exception this once.

As some of you may or may not know I was in a four year "relationship" with my neighbor, Mitch. When I moved in to my house I didn't know him, only saw him from afar, and didn't think much of him, to be honest I can't really remember when I first met him, but I do know when we started hanging out. I believe it was when he was practicing his fly fishing and I just wanted a friend, so I looked over the fence and called to him. I eventually got to know him better and we became good friends, me falling slowly for him.

The moment I knew I was in love with him was when we sat around my pond and played twenty-questions, me asking if he liked anyone, hoping he would say me. We spent the summer together almost everyday smiling, laughing, and swimming. We would go to his house and swim, after a few moments I would get out because it was too cold for me, and lay on the cement as he saw to the edge and we would watch each other. I can remember looking at him, the sun bouncing off his golden hair and his blue eyes watching me bask in the sun. Those summer days seemed endless, and once when we finished swimming I caught a glimpse of something that made me rethink my whole being.

A few weeks passed and we had a sleepover where we did some night swimming in the nude. When it was time to come in, he had made me a bed on the floor, and we started to play truth and dare, it was my only chance to try and be intimate with him. We dared each other to be sexual and it was my first real experience with another boy. The next day I went home feeling ashamed and we did not speak for a while.

This whole time when I would see him at school he would not really acknowledge me like I wanted him to, he never introduced me to his friends or them to me. It would hurt that he didn't but I grew accustomed to it and knew ours was a relationship that was only for home.

We began high school and it was odd, the older teens knew more about life than we did, and most of the friends I had during Jr. High had gone to new ones, and I was left alone, he was my only friend for a while. While in high school our relationship grew more unstable, and my feelings deepened, not knowing what to do I feel into a deep depression. I began to use art as a means to express how I felt, and I mainly drew the two of us. One day when I couldn't take it any longer I told him that I loved him, when he told me he didn't love me I kicked him out of my house and started to cry.

Our relationship was strained after that and I would see him only when he wanted to have sex, since I was still in love with him I would give him what he wanted. The last time I was in his house as a guest we had a long sexual encounter and I finally was able to see that I had no place in his world.

Things ended badly for us when my parents left for a weekend trip and he attacked me, breaking our fence in the process. That was in 2006, almost three years ago, and to this day I can honestly say there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. There isn't a single day of my life that I don't remember his wet body in pool as I lay on the cement, I still love him, and I don't believe I can ever find someone who I will love like I loved him. When I do see him now, he ignores me and looks through me. This is worse than anything he could ever say or do, to pretend those years we spent together never happened. He is/was my life and love. I gave him my heart, and like a fool when it ended, I didn't ask for it back.

(UN)Happy Thoughts...

P.S.

Here's another one...