Why does it hurt more than expected? I guess that's today's question, why does it hurt more than what you think it will? Since I haven't had time (or effort) to update frequently I'll catch you up a bit on the goings on in my life. So since I last wrote things have pretty much gone down hill, I no longer live with my boyfriend and that is one mess in itself, and we're on the verge/already have broken up. Notice how I didn't specify? That's because I'm not sure if we're together or not, it's a complicated order at this point in time.
Well after my last post things only got worse for us, he became more distant and his mother more hostile. It was to the point that I couldn't even go down stairs for some water or food, yeah insane right? Well I talked to my mother, can you tell we're mama's boys, and she just told me to get out and move back home. This is the last thing I ever wanted to do because firstly, I knew moving out would only widen the distance between Nate and I, in more way then one, and secondly because I've been on my own for a long while now and I like my freedom.
Anyhow I moved out and I figured I'd still be going over regularly and seeing him and cuddling, but this wasn't the case at all. His mother threw a huge fit and banned me from the house all together, causing a fight between he and his family. I felt like shit because it's his dream home and his family, I didn't want to cause any problems for him or them, I just wanted to be with my boyfriend.
Well apparently they made up and that made me feel happy but the cost was my not being able to go over at all. Ever. I found this out and almost died right there on the spot, how could someone forbid you to see the person you love? I can't go over at night, weekends, during the day, or even in another dimension apparently.
Through this though Nate started getting into the habit of telling white lies. I call them white lies because I guess that's what they are, but to me a lie is a lie.
He lied about his whereabouts, he went to hang out with some nasty little whore when he said he was at his friends house. He lied about not being home when he was, which isn't a big deal but why lie?
So all of that has been baring down on me/us and I'm not sure where we stand anymore. I do love him, I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and more than I thought possible.
How do you deal with that kind of love?
Anyhow today is the chopping block, I left him his house key and took almost all of my stuff from his house. There are only a few things left there, which I can grab at a later time when I know what's going on for sure.
I went to SF this weekend and he kind of broke up with me there because I called him out on a lie and he didn't like it. It was an ugly fight where he called me psycho and told me he couldn't deal with me anymore. I cried, to put it simply. I cried inside of a few bars and just couldn't handle. I even came back a day early because I didn't want to deal with people or the world. The drive back was quick and full of tears, at one point I had to stop because I couldn't see straight, yeah it was bad...
I just looked at how much I wrote and I realize that I just vented to you, if there is a you, and for that I apologize. Anyhow, I'm sitting on the couch which is also my bed, trying not to breakdown again and wondering if it's even worth it to go on? Not in a life kind of way, but with our relationship. What do you think, I've always depended on the kind words of strangers.
Happy Thoughts...
Is This Love?
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...
I don't think I'm going to start today's post with a question, mainly because I couldn't think of one, and because I don't feel the need to ask you anything. If there is a you. Who are you? Well I guess that was my question, anyhow a lot is going on in my mind at the moment, far too much for me to really understand and process. Mayhap it's because I'm crazy and need constant drama in my life, or maybe it's because I see things in a different light, either way my thoughts are beginning to consume me.
Recently, things have not been running as smooth with the boyfriend as I would have hoped, I guess it has something to do with us living together, or maybe it's because I'm a complicated fucking order, who knows. I do know however that I need certain things from a relationship, things that can't be bought or sold... unless you're a sex worker. To cut to the chase, I haven't felt that intimate with him in some while, and when we do go that special place it feels forced on his end, like he's over it.
Now again, this is most likely because I am crazy and full of drama, but then again to me it's a real issue. For example, I know it's not because he doesn't have the need to be intimate, I walked in on him being intimate with himself. I normally don't have a problem with masturbation, I think it's a very healthy human activity, but when you have a boyfriend who is ready and willing, and you choose to beat off everyday I think it's kind of jacked up... no pun intended.
So that's what's going on with the boyfriend, and besides that little annoyance things are going well. His mother hates me for something I'm not even sure I did, and living here can be uncomfortable at times, but I guess in all it's worth it.
At work I am trying to get myself promoted, I want more money and better hours so I've been working my ass off. Not to mention that we just lost two people and I am now a trainer taking on three apprentices. At the moment I am feeling really weak, I don't think I have enough strength to keep writing so I'll end on that. Hope y'all are doing better than me.
Happy Thoughts...
Oh, It Is Love
What is today's question of the day? I have to ask, how do you combine your love and your passion? That is something I have been asking myself a lot lately, how do I keep on loving while still enjoying the passions I have in my life? To be honest, this has never been an issue with me, the couple of times I have been in love I was always able to go about my daily life not caring what was going on with my boyfriend/love interest at the time. Now however, my love is almost consuming, it is a genuine living monster that breaths cold fire every moment I see my boyfriend. I think it has something to do with the fact that I haven't been this in love before, and I know everyone says that a million times, but for me it's true. Nate brings out a side of me I never knew I had, and this isn't always a good thing. I am horribly jealous and untrusting when it comes to love, but Nate somehow makes things better. The moment I being to doubt him or us, he's there reassuring me without even knowing it.
Yesterday was our anniversary, one month officially, but we've been together since December. I guess that means it's more like five months? Anyhow, I sent him a text in the morning when I realized and he didn't make a big deal of it, and responded with his usual message about loving me. I wasn't upset or anything but i was slightly perplexed, why didn't he wish me a happy anniversary? So it also happened to be mothers day and we were going to meet my mother at her house for a family party. There was a problem because he wanted to take his mother to dinner, and I wanted him to meet my family, so we agreed to work it out when I got home. So long story short, when I get out of work I get a message from my mom that my brother is having emergency surgery, his appendix needed to be removed.
Of course being the person I am, I flipped out and drove back to Nate's house and told him what was happening. We decided to go to the hospital for a little then out to dinner with his mother. Did I mention that he MADE a bouquet of flowers for my mom, like picked flowers, bought some, and arranged them in a pretty vase? Well he did and my mother loved them. She liked him too, but in a hospital you like everything that isn't related to the person being worked on.
When we got back, we sat on the couch and watched some TV, and out of the blue he said he had something for me in the back seat of his car. I was really confused because I hadn't seen anything but agreed to go out and get whatever it was. To my shock it was a card, filled with the most amazing words I have ever read, professing his love and dedication to me. I was beyond touched, he had cared about the one month milestone.
So I guess I have diverged from my talk about passion, but not really. My passion is life and all that it has to offer, my love is Nathan and all he is. how do I combine the two? By enjoying my life with Nathan, and allowing myself to grow as an individual and as part of a couple.
Happy Thoughts....
P.S. Here is an awesome playlist, it makes me happy when I'm not feeling too good. Also, the title of this post is the name of one of the songs, in case you hadn't already guessed.
The Story So Far
Why must I always start with a question? Well today's post starts with this questions, why am I so content to forget my dreams in favor of love? In case you missed it, and since I haven't posted in a long time you probably have, I am in a relationship with an amazing guy. We've been dating since December, and at first I thought it was going to be something silly. I planned to move to NYC in June and he was simply going to be my entertainment until then, little did I know that I would fall madly in love with him. He is beyond amazing, there are no words to describe him, except love.
Moving forward, this love of him confuses me, I no longer have the urge to be a journalist in the respect that I once did. I still want to travel and see the world, to photograph and write but not unless I am with him. This post is turning out to be very whiny isn't it?
Well, he's downstairs at the moment cleaning or something, and I am sitting typing away on his computer on his bed in his room feeling more and more lost as the minuets tick by, and more in love then I have felt in many years.
Happy Thoughts...
P.S.
Today's title comes courtesy of Pansy Division, check them out.
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