Well thought out Twinkles

So as of late my mind has been on a rampage, I cannot sleep, nor can I eat without feeling like I'm doing this wrong, like I'm supposed to continue...Wait, Let me start at the beginning.

Last week I was in one of me little moods, I tend to go through them a lot more now that I'm getting older, and during this particular mood I thought of all the men/guys I have crushed on, gone out with, dated, or fucked. There is a long list on the latter, and what I found was that I was never really happy, and I don't think any of them were either. This led me to take some more time out and think of the future and what I wanted from it. I wanted a good job, I wanted a nice home, and most importantly, I wanted a family. I wanted a sweet husband with a good job, I wanted a few kids that I could love and cherish, I wanted to be the stay at home dad and be the little homemaker.

Is that too much I asked, would I ever get it? Than I took each of those aspects of what I wanted apart and analyzed then bit by bit.

A good job: I could easily do, not a big feat really, I 'm an excellent journalist, and a happy(cough-cough) up-beat person Anytime I apply for a job and get interviewed I get the job, so that's not a big issue.

A nice home: This is a little more complicated because I don't really know where I want to live. I sometimes say by the Beach, other times I say the City, and still other times I say the suburbs. Either way I want a house with a yard, and the possibility of a pet.

Family: This is a lot more complicated. The reason being that I only seem to fall for straight guys. Yeah I have horrible luck in love because the guys I am attracted to tend to be very masculine, and Not many openly gay men are butch. that's all I'm going to say on the matter.

After these thoughts I hit Teresa up on AIM, and told her I was finally giving up on finding love, and what I want, arguing that if I don't hope for anything, I wouldn't be disappointed when it didn't happen. Isn't that a wonderful plan?? Ha ha I think so.

OK so here is an example of what I mean by this:

When my girl friends and I went to a club on Friday night, we met this really hot, sweet, drunk ex-marine. He was 21 and just so damn hot I nearly died. He talked to us for a while, and decided to leave because he was so damn plastered. When we left we saw him standing on the street alone not doing much of anything but surely not going home. We decided that we would take him to his place and not just leave him alone there where he might pass out on the street(I honestly believe God led him to us that night so that he would be safe.) On the drive to his place he was kinda drifting in and out of consciousness, eventually resting his head on my shoulder, his hand on my leg. He was whispering in my ear about how sorry he was that he was so drunk. It made me feel really good to have him on my should and to hold him. This whole event led me to think more about my future(which I shall get into later,) and when he began balling about how his friend was shot in the head, I just wanted to hold him tighter, and closer, wipe away his tears and tell him it would all be alright. He was so vulnerable, and in a way I was too, I let my heart and mind explore, and what they saw scared me. I imagined, this is very unhealthy, him and I somehow falling in love, having a family, and life together. Yes this is a little creepy, but mind you, I didn't plan on it coming true, and I knew it wouldn't it was just wishful thinking on my part. this is why I have given up on love, because I know I will never have something come nearly as close as to how vulnerable and open I was with another human, and I will never never have another guy/man be that open and vulnerable with me.

(un)Happy Thoughts...