So these are the days are supposed to be the best days of my life, yet I can't help feel like I'm enjoying them less and less everyday. For instance I happen to be in love with a breeder at the moment, and though I have said time and time again that it's bad, I have gone on and done it anyways. The reason my followers that it is wrong, is because when they date a girl you fell like shit. Currently the object of my affection is being all "lovey-dovey" with his ex, who
has no intention of getting back with him. Ever! It is a pain that I cannot tell him how she is and save him all the suffering he is going to go through.
I feel odd at the moment because she is all over him, and I know, I KNOW, she knows I have feelings for him. This is bad because she is pretty much all over him to get at me for some odd reason. I have kept my distance and allowed him to do as he pleased, I haven't come on to him or anything but I hope he somehow decides he likes men and I'm the perfect man for him. This is such unbearable pain no words can describe how I feel. I want to kick her out, I want to STAB her and I want her to fall off a building. Maybe this irrational but it's how I feel about the whole thing.
Anyhow I'm going to continue with my drinking to try and drown out my feelings...also not a good thing followers. And as they make out I got to the bottle to drown out the feelings I cannot hold in forever.
Ridiculous Thoughts....
So Long, Good-bye
There comes a time when we all look around at our lives and think "what the fuck am I doing here?" and for me that time was June of 2009. Since than
I have moved out of California and into cloudy Seattle WA. I have been without computer since September thus no writing has happened but now I plan on writing regularly again. I won't write about anything before today because it would be long and tiresome, so let me just jump right in, welcome to my blog if your new, welcome back if your not.
So what did I do today you may ask? I got stuck in a snowstorm kinda. My roommate Chris and I went to look a truck he is buying in some red-neck hicks-ville and on the way back it began to rain. At 
first we weren't too upset about it, than it started to hail, this is when I got worried. He said it was all right that he had driven in similar conditions so I calmed down. That's about the time it started to snow...BAD. We could barely see and I almost began to cry, being a So Cal boy and all. we were somehow able to escape and make it back to our cozy apartment without major damage to the truck/ourselves. It was one of those things that I will remember for the rest of my life. It's good to have friends who you can be scared with and who will laugh with you about it later. Till next time folks
Happy Thoughts...
Dream Lover...
So today marks the beginning of my journey into adulthood. Yes I get that I've been a legal adult now for some time, but I mean in a more mental/emotional way. I will be moving to Seattle very soon, and I am scared shitless, like seriously. But that is not the reason I'm writing today. I have wanted to leave for some time now, and it was planned to go with friends, but none are willing or capable of going so I'm doing it on my own. I realize I'm hurting the people I love most but I feel like this is the right decision for me at the moment, like there is something (or someone) waiting for me there.
Last night I stayed at Teresa's house and we had a good long talk and argument. She's gonna miss me like I'm gonna miss her but I 
will still go. So I went to sleep and had an odd dream, about me finding love, odd huh? I was somewhere far, and some time had passed, and I met a guy. I was with some guy and I saw the other guy and I guess spoke to him. More time seemed to have passed and we were coming down to my parents house so I could meet his family and he could meet mine. I was be...obscene in the car when we stopped and got out. It looked like there was a street fair going on and there were people I knew all around. I just wanted to get to my parents house but he was chatting with them and buying a bunch of crap. We somehow ended up at my Nana's house, which was odd, but we were alone. We were sitting on the couch about to do the deed when his mom arrived. I was so nervous and answered the door with no shirt. I got one on and than invited her in. She was talking to I'm about God knows what when I asked her to leave because my parents were home. They came in and met him and were talking about how they had found some porn in the house. I remember hoping it wasn't mine. We went into what I'm assuming was my room, and laid on the bed. He brought out a movie when Teresa was asking about Octavio, and I was pissed. So she left and we were gonna watch the movie and that's when Teresa woke me up to turn off the alarm....what a crazy dream...
Everybody Love a Muscle Boi...
Whoa, what a long time it has been since I last wrote in here huh? OK so what is new in my mind? Not very much I'll tell you. I have a new manager at work and I find him very appealing but still it's unethical. I'm almost out of school and kinda excited for the summer. I will be losing a friend who I have been crushing on for some time, he is going to transfer and I will still be at SAC. I think that's all I have to say for now, as I'm tired and not much is going on....oh one more thing, prop 8 was upheld and I marched a lot. More on that to come....
Happy Thoughts...
Where Eagles Dare
Ah what a day, what a day. I have never wanted to talk to anyone more than I wanted to talk to him. I seriously can't stand how much distance there is between us and how strongly I feel for him. It's an obsession I know this, yet I can't shake it. He is my heroin, the needle is his smile. Everything about him makes me want to jump up and shout "I fucking adore you! I want to just lay in your arms all day and kiss your beautiful baby face!" This is a little insane but I don't care.
Happy Thoughts...
A Dustland Fairytale
So the past couple of days I have done some thinking, not because I like to, but because a friend is going through the same situation and I was reading eclipse. I was thinking about a guy, and usually I won't put anything about how vulnerable I feel in this blog, but I'll make this exception this once.
As some of you may or may not know I was in a four year "relationship" with my neighbor, Mitch. When I moved in to my house I didn't know him, only saw him from afar, and didn't think much of him, to be honest I can't really remember when I first met him, but I do know when we started hanging out. I believe it was when he was practicing his fly fishing and I just wanted a friend, so I looked over the fence and called to him. I eventually got to know him better and we became good friends, me falling slowly for him.
The moment I knew I was in love with him was when we sat around my pond and played twenty-questions, me asking if he liked anyone, hoping he would say me. We spent the summer together almost everyday smiling, laughing, and swimming. We would go to his house and swim, after a few moments I would get out because it was too cold for me, and lay on the cement as he saw to the edge and we would watch each other. I can remember looking at him, the sun bouncing off his golden hair and his blue eyes watching me bask in the sun. Those summer days seemed endless, and once when we finished swimming I caught a glimpse of something that made me rethink my whole being.
A few weeks passed and we had a sleepover where we did some night swimming in the nude. When it was time to come in, he had made me a bed on the floor, and we started to play truth and dare, it was my only chance to try and be intimate with him. We dared each other to be sexual and it was my first real experience with another boy. The next day I went home feeling ashamed and we did not speak for a while.
This whole time when I would see him at school he would not really acknowledge me like I wanted him to, he never introduced me to his friends or them to me. It would hurt that he didn't but I grew accustomed to it and knew ours was a relationship that was only for home.
We began high school and it was odd, the older teens knew more about life than we did, and most of the friends I had during Jr. High had gone to new ones, and I was left alone, he was my only friend for a while. While in high school our relationship grew more unstable, and my feelings deepened, not knowing what to do I feel into a deep depression. I began to use art as a means to express how I felt, and I mainly drew the two of us. One day when I couldn't take it any longer I told him that I loved him, when he told me he didn't love me I kicked him out of my house and started to cry.
Our relationship was strained after that and I would see him only when he wanted to have sex, since I was still in love with him I would give him what he wanted. The last time I was in his house as a guest we had a long sexual encounter and I finally was able to see that I had no place in his world.
Things ended badly for us when my parents left for a weekend trip and he attacked me, breaking our fence in the process. That was in 2006, almost three years ago, and to this day I can honestly say there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. There isn't a single day of my life that I don't remember his wet body in pool as I lay on the cement, I still love him, and I don't believe I can ever find someone who I will love like I loved him. When I do see him now, he ignores me and looks through me. This is worse than anything he could ever say or do, to pretend those years we spent together never happened. He is/was my life and love. I gave him my heart, and like a fool when it ended, I didn't ask for it back.
(UN)Happy Thoughts...
P.S.
Here's another one...
Cry Baby Cry
.:sigh:. Cold today have gone any worse? Like really, I think it was one of the worst days I have had in a long while, not only because I wasn't feeling well, but because I made a complete and total ass of myself. This doesn't happen a lot, I tend to try and be more stable than I was today.
Today I wasn't feeling well so I decided to to stay home, but the one day I decide to stay home, everything happens with the magazine. Aldo, our photographer, came to take the staff photo of us but I didn't know this. So I got up despite feeling ill and went to go get my picture taken, but when I got there he was gone. Isn't that perfect? Not only wasn't he there, but he hadn't uploaded the photo's he took into the server so the designer could finish my page. I was really pissed I almost started crying, literally. People in the newsroom don't usually bother me, in fact the atmosphere is generally warm and inviting. Today though me being in the pissed mood I was it seemed dark and aggravating.
I told those who were bothering me that I wasn't in the mood, and they seemed to be chill with it. There were those who didn't take the hint and continued with it, I had had enough. I told them they could be my proxy and do what they needed to do for me and I stormed out. I met with Arthur who is a good friend and explained the situation, he was very sympathetic. I was going to leave but realized I had no money for the bus, so I was forced to go to LAMBDA. Bad Idea.
Some of the people there just piss me off, they are not the people I would normally associate myself with. So I sat and skulked in the corner, when a group who was looking for an endorsement came to speak. They are part of AS and generally I don't trust them. So after that we just spoke about some things that needed speaking and got on with our meeting.
I was able to get a ride home and I got a call from my friend and I apologized for being such a douche during the day. She was very kind and understanding and I owe her a lot. That was my day, and it didn't go too well, but it was still eventful. Honestly I think I could have made it better if I would have taken the time to think things through and maybe understand the situation better.
Happy Thoughts...
When you least expect it...
Odd and eventful things tend to happen when you least expect them, like during the past two weeks.
To begin with, two weeks we published our second issue of the Mountaineer, and it wasn't the best we've done, but it was still pretty fucking bomb. The cover was done well, it was a photo illustration of two gay men holding hands, with words of hate ahead of them. The stories were well...OK. There is one thing that I am particularly proud of, the opinion that was published about the "F" word, and "N" word. Many people seemed to like it, but others felt it was over the top and not correct to compare the two, but I think that the writer was trying to make people think about both words and how the affect those they are used against.
Anyhow, Easter Sunday came, and I went down to San Diego to visit some family, I expected it to go very bad with me huddled in the corner like usual, but I guess fate had a different plan for the day. The drive down with my Grandma and step-dad was smooth and calm, as was the weather. When we arrived, I was greeted by family with smiles and warm hugs, this is not unusual but kinda odd coming from some of them. We than proceeded to play badminton, which was INTENSE. My aunt, and I were going at it for a good hour before the kids came and took it over. The food my uncle prepared was AMAZING, and I had several helpings feeling completely bloated. The night ended and my family and I drove home. This is something new to me, the fact the all my relatives were getting along, and not aggravating me. It seriously has never happened before.
This week was better though, I went out with some co-workers several times during the week, getting drunk and other stuff, playing beer pong, and smoking hookah. It was pretty cool to chill with them because I haven't for quite some time.
Last night though had to be the icing on the cake, the GLAAD awards. This event was so fucking cool and inspirational, seeing all those gays in one place who have all made a difference in the community. I went with LAMBDA through an organization called Bienestar located in Pomona. I met some of the cast from the L word, as well as Greek, but the highlight had to be the Bishop 
Gene Robinson. He did a little Q&A for the youth after party and we were able to ask him a few questions. I asked if he felt the wedge driven between the Gay community and the religious community would take some time to dissipate, and he said that eventually all those "old" people who felt the gay community were wrong were going to die off and that would be when the two could finally merge. I was able to shake his hand and tell him how much what he was doing meant to me. He gave me a hug for that, it felt so good to have a man of God embrace me like a brother. It felt really good.
Continuing on my week we will see what happens with journalism and the gay community, stay tuned!
Happy Thoughts...
You're so gay
So I know that my blog isn't really what a blog should be, which is what people reading might find interesting. Now I'm going to take a step closer to it being a proper blog with this post.
So as of Monday the 6Th of April, gay marriage was legalized in Vermont, and the Friday before it was legalized in Iowa, this is a major step for the gay community. In a matter of days two very different states decided that same sex couples should, and will have the same rights as any other couple.
The reason it is a big deal for Iowa is because it is a state in the Midwest, an area of the united states that is sort of known for being ultra conservative and have a lot of discrimination towards gays. If a conservative state like Iowa can recognize same sex marriage, why can't the most liberal state in the union, California?
Along with those two states, Washington D.C. decided it would recognize same sex marriages from preformed outside the city, isn't that grand? This is bringing us all a step closer to equality, or is it?
There was a video released from The National Organization for Marriage that shows several actors discussing how gay marriage will infringe on the rights of heterosexuals. How is that possible, will the government force straight people to be involved in gay marriages? There was one actor talking about how her "son" was forced to learn about same sex couples, and how it is natural, but isn't it? Even if it wasn't wouldn't the schools still teach about gay marriage as a part of history? There is no escaping it honey.
What's more is the people were actors, and not really telling their own stories, isn't that sad? You couldn't find real people to complain about gay marriage so you needed to hire actors. This video also seemed like it was trying to scare people, isn't that a bit dishonest to do? Fear isn't something to use to make people decided on another person's rights.
I only have one thing to say to those people who are older and want to ban gay marriage, it was a lovely quote "you've already lost, my generation doesn't care."
Happy Thoughts...
P.S.
The video is available here.
Gimme More
Wow, another day, another dream right? Well I can tell you that yeah that's how it is, for many reasons of course.
I'm not saying that offending people is wrong, if you do it in the correct manor, but it could very well get me killed. In fact, Toni told me to tell her if I got any threats, kinda freaky huh? To be be honest though, I'm not scared, the thought of it kinda makes me want those who are offended to tell me something so I could defend my reasoning.
Such Great Heights
Suspended twenty feet above the ground...wait, that's not the beginning..hmm? OK, Here we go!
Blistered hands, scrapped knees, and sore muscles, sounds like a good time right? Well it was but for very different reasons. I went rock climbing today for the first time in several months, and it couldn't have gone better.
Events, well First off I dreamt about it last night cos I couldn't stop thinking about how much fun I was going to have. I woke up a bit earlier than usual and got ready, but I had so much time on my hands. Oh, I also forgot, this is for an article I wrote about climbing for substance. So Susie came for me and we got there before our photographer did. It gave us time to warm up and show Susie how to use her equipment. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, but still wasn't bad.
Aldo, our photographer, showed up and I belayed Susie up the wall where Aldo shot her. He did a really good job, and when he was done, I went on to boulder some more. I felt very inexperienced compared to most of the people there, but I guessed that they were all at my level at some point in time. There were a lot of guys there too, HOT guys. I was so shocked because I expected guys, but not hot ones. Well Emily showed up and she learned to belay and climb.
Just about the time she showed up, Aldo was leaving. It was OK, but would have been fun to boulder with him. Anyhow, I let Em climb, and lo an behold, a perfect example of a man walks in. He looked so nice and was exactly my type. Em and I watched as he climbed around getting all hot and sweaty, while we got all hot and bothered. I couldn't explain but I got a vibe from him, not exactly a gay one, but he may be a little curious.
So, being the investigative journalist I am, I asked him if he would do an interview since he was from Mt SAC, and what hot guy wouldn't want to be interviewed? I pretty much asked him why he came to climb, and how long he has been doing it. In the process, he gave me his number, I didn't even have to ask. I could also tell he was checking me out, yeah I'm that good.
All in all it was a great day, and I may just get a membership so I can see him again. Oh, did I mention, he's in the Fire Academy at Mt. SAC ;)
Happy Thoughts...
Sky Blue Sky
On a momentary thought that crossed my mind sometime the other day, I felt more than I Have in a while, and this thought was not an easy one to explain. I felt so relaxed, energetic, and drunk on life, complicated no? These moments don't come often for me, which is regrettable. I was riding my bike home from Teresa's house and with more speed building up, I was let go of all my fears and worries, let myself breath and enjoy the sun.
I thought about what was coming to me in the future and now about what was happening to me in the present. I imagined my life as I wanted it, small apartment, some form of pet, and a nice boyfriend, to add maybe a nice job while I'm in school. It's gonna be a good life, and I can only wait for it to come at me full force. Throw your hate at me and I'll give it back in love, Shoot your despair at me and I'll toss it back as Hope.
Happy Thoughts...
P.S.
I said this would happen rarely, so here is a song that I like and it goes with how I feel. Check it out.
Postcards From Far Away
"A weekend is nothing, a weekend can't do much, but it can sure as hell change your life."
There is a reason there are two titles to this post. First off most, if not all, of the titles to my blog are song titles that go with the blog topic, and two because this blog post is about something that commands more than what I can offer. This past weekend was one that can not be described with words, it is something that legends are made of. Yeah I say this a lot and I may be overreacting, but to be honest it did change my life. How is it that my life which seemed so plain and average, can be uprooted and rearranged before my eyes, let alone in a span of 96 hours.
What happened that did this to me you may ask? Well if you follow my blog than you know I was at JACC which we totally annihilated the competition, and while there I got a glimpse of some things that I wanted and knew I must have. Though, to be honest, at the moment I didn't recognize what was happening.
I slept in a king sized bed, shared a room with three other guys, and ate very unhealthy. I woke each morning not knowing what I was going to do, but managed to stay entertained. I laughed, cried, cheered and argued, but was always in a haze of excitment. Yes I am a free man, but not as I once was. I tasted vicory, and even a little bit of what college life is supposed to be, and now I want more. I want to be away from home in a nice comfy bed, I want frieds who I live with and share good times and bad. I want to feel the unity I did, I want to wake each morning not worrying about who's going to judge me.
JACC was something that will not, and cannot be forgotten. Though the people may change, and I promise they will, I won't let the memories of what we accomplished die. Ha, I sound like some weird person who cannot let things go, and you know what, I can't.
Happy Thoughts...
Viva La Vida!
Pride. What is it and how do we come by it? When is it wrong, and when is it right? Is there such thing as too much, or too little? All of these questions and more don't matter in the slightest, that is if your a winner.
Tonight has been one that has been burned into my memory, to remain there till long after I've died. How is this possible, and what am I talking about? Well for starters
LIVE FROM SACRAMENTO, IT'S JACC!!!!
OK now to explain; as a school our journalism department competes and various competition, bot at state and local levels. The object is to be the best in what you do and take home awards, a big fat "duh" right? OK so last fall we went to the local competition at CSUF and took home I believe 30+ awards including General Excellence for Substance Magazine(it means we are so good there was no category for us.)
Tonight though we were all on edge because this is state and there are far more school than in so cal. We sat anticipating what awards were going to be ours and which ones we would shrug off. I sat as the newspaper awards were named and yeah, we got some, but I was waiting for the magazine awards to be announced. As the first ones came up there was general unease between us all, we did not win it. As more came up though, we started seeing it, Mt. San Antonio. Photo; Aldo Padilla, Feature story; Mary Obyed, Sara Heady, And General Excellence; Substance magazine.
We Cheers our asses off, and I even started to loose my voice, this was incredible, and it wasn't over, General Excellence for the Mountaineer, was I going insane, how could this be real? We laughed, we hugged, Toni even cried! Man I have never been so happy to be part of journalism in my life. We literally set the bar for all these people here, they need to work their asses off to beat us.
For now, I can sleep comfortably because I KNOW there is only more to come. Goodnight, and Good Luck!
Happy Thoughts....
Teresa, are you doing ok?
During times of great suffering and torment, sometimes all you need is a friend, a person who will be there to listen to all you have to say and not judge, or interrupt. Today was one of those days, not for me but for my bestie, Teresa. Her grandmother recently passed away, and it has been tough on her, with her family not really agreeing on what to do for the arrangements and all.
Today I was supposed to go to school and help do somethings around campus, and you know be me, but while I was in the shower I got a call from an unknown number and despite my better judgement, I picked up. It was Teresa. At first I didn't realize it be cause she was crying and after a moment, I began to freak because she never cried in front of me. I listened to what she was saying and as she asked me to go visit her, and talk I realized it was a moment that I will live a million times over.
I pedaled my bike as fast as I could to get to her house, and when I did her dad was outside with one of his friends. I walked in not bothering to knock, only going straight to her room. She was sitting on her bed eating soup, and i could see a tear in her eye, it killed me on so many levels. I sat next to her and ask what was happening, and she told me everything, from beginning to end. She told me how her family wasn't getting along and how they were not doing what was best for the dearly departed.
All of this was freaking her out, and to make matters worse she is was sick. Not a fun thing to be going through, wouldn't you agree? Now I know I have gone through the dynamics of our friendship once before, but in case you missed that episode, let me explain briefly.
She and I are like two pees in a pod, we ARE Will & Grace. Our whole friendship was based on compassion and equal agitation at several people, it is that that allowed us to become the friends we are now. She is my one and only, my soul mate, my love and my life...In a gay way, no Heterosexuality in here he he.
So as you can see, she means alot to me. It hurts to see her like that, and I will be here for her. Let me leave y'all with a final thought; I hope y'all have a friendship that matches ours, because it is the best, and in truth, I doubt anyone does.
Happy Thoughts...
P.S.
Don't be pissed, you know I love you. <3
Hella Good
Well last night was a trip, to say the least. So many things went down, and it ended with my world spinning endlessly as I begged sleep to take me into it's gentle arms. "What does this mean?" you may ask, well let me explain the way only a person of my corrupted frame of thinking can.
It started out as a regular day(if there ever was such a thing) with my getting ready for work. I showered, got dressed and headed out. During the car ride I spoke with my folks about how they leave me while the whole family has a family outing, and how it hurts because even though they say it's unintentional, they do it a bit too often for it to be. This led to a small argument about how I'm never home and that they won't consult me whenever they feel like going out. I was pretty pissed about but couldn't dwell on it too long, I had arrived at work and needed to get into happy mode.
I walk in smile at one of the assistant managers, and head upstairs. Upon getting to the break room, I see Allison, who is now one of my mortal enemies at the theater. We start a polite conversation about how work sucks, and she proceeds to rub the fact that she works more than me in my face. I do my best to ignore it, and head down to do my job. When I get there I am told that my shift is cancelled, sucks right? So I leave and walk to Emily's house and than she takes me to Teresa's, where she makes me some food, and we watch some T.V. it was chill.
About a few hours after I get there I get a call from Tory, asking what I was doing, and if I wanted to hang out later. I think for a moment, will I have time to hang out with him and still go to hookah with the skanks later?(that was the night's plan) I decided to go home and wait for him, he seems to always be late for some reason or another. A little background here; I like him, he claims to be straight but teases, and I think he wants me.
So finally he shows up and we take walk where he takes a piss and shows me his dick. Kinda awkward. He says that's he's in a good mood, and that whatever I say he will let me do. Being the little greedy ho I am, I say I want to blow him. Yeah I'm a hussy, but it's not like I do it often.
We take his truck to the park, and there I proceed to give him the "best blow job" He's ever had. Poor guy, I'm don't give head that good. Well I call Emily saying that I want to go to hookah, and to meet me at my house. I change because my shirt has jizzem on it, and we go to Sinbads, a pretty chill hookah & deli place.
Emily invites her booty call, and along with Susie we have a good night talking and smoking. Did I mention that Em's booty call invited a couple of friends, one of which I recognized and thought was a total stud, but that's another story. We smoked all our hookah, and than smoked Angela's as well. We eventually left when em's mom called her and told her she needed to be back home. I asked to be dropped off at Teresa's where I began to feel sick. My world was spinning endlessly as I begged sleep to take me into it's gentle arms. A good way to end at the beginning no?
Happy Thoughts...
P.S.
I'm gonna post another one on my other blog about last night and how I feel about Tory, Check it out!
Bullet Proof...I Wish I Was
Wow. That's all I can say for the past few days. This past weekend I felt so alone and morbid without my editors in town, but now that I'm back in the newsroom I feel like the little pieces of me that were away in New York have all joined back in me. Yes I know that may seem inconceivable to some, and may be kinda odd to most, but the connection I have with my fellow writers is something that cannot be described. In fact, to say anything about it is to just degrade it more, no I cannot say much about what I feel for them, so I won't.
On another more "girly" note, today I had fun with this guy, who for all intents and purposes shall remain named; Shade. This guy is not only a beefed out piece of meat, BUT he is also a smart sweet STRAIGHT guy, I know right? Well let me give you some more information about this guy, not that I'm obsessing(me? no never!)
I started seeing him around in the newsroom from time to time when he would come to check in for his blogging class, the whole time I was curious as to who he was(and if he was part of the family.) When the banquet came around, I was lucky enough, if you call it luck, to sit next to him, where my nervous, idiotic self could barely talk. He seemed like a cool guy and within seconds of talking to him I knew he was straight, but that he was a cool guy none the less. Thus my little infatuation with him semi-dissolved.
Later on, after winter break, I saw him in the newsroom and decided it would be alright to talk to him and see what he was really like. To my general surprise, he was pretty chill, down to earth, and knew music! The first day I really talked to him I was impressed by his openness, and I found it very attractive. I was s shy after that, I began smiling and laughing during our conversations, crazy much right?
I was walking one day after our little talks and saw him eating lunch alone and asked why this was so and told him he could eat in the newsroom. This surprised him and he said he would start eating there when he was on campus. This has made my year.
During the times we have spoken in the newsroom, I have began to come out of my shell more and more with him, and in getting to know him, have realized that he is one of the coolest guys I know. I know this sounds a little freaky and He may read this at some point, to that I would like to say this; "Shade, Your a cool fucker and that's all I feel."
Today was better than ever for two facts;
1) We had to distribute papers and on the walk there talked about shit like the freaky anime creeps, to how unhealthy my lunch was(he's a health freak BTW.)
2) We had a huge discussion about music after he got back, and laughed a lot with Charlye, Jessica, and even Toni. When he was leaving he gave Charlye a hug, Dustin a hug, and he picked me up, kinda in a way. Yeah I pretty much melted. and worst of all, He noticed.
Either way, He is one of the most chill people I have ever met, and am glad he gave me the time of day when a lot of straight people may have been too creeped out by my total creepiness and overly obvious accidental flirtation. Here's to straight guys being cool with the gays.
Happy Thoughts...
Well thought out Twinkles
So as of late my mind has been on a rampage, I cannot sleep, nor can I eat without feeling like I'm doing this wrong, like I'm supposed to continue...Wait, Let me start at the beginning.
Last week I was in one of me little moods, I tend to go through them a lot more now that I'm getting older, and during this particular mood I thought of all the men/guys I have crushed on, gone out with, dated, or fucked. There is a long list on the latter, and what I found was that I was never really happy, and I don't think any of them were either. This led me to take some more time out and think of the future and what I wanted from it. I wanted a good job, I wanted a nice home, and most importantly, I wanted a family. I wanted a sweet husband with a good job, I wanted a few kids that I could love and cherish, I wanted to be the stay at home dad and be the little homemaker.
Is that too much I asked, would I ever get it? Than I took each of those aspects of what I wanted apart and analyzed then bit by bit.
A good job: I could easily do, not a big feat really, I 'm an excellent journalist, and a happy(cough-cough) up-beat person Anytime I apply for a job and get interviewed I get the job, so that's not a big issue. 
A nice home: This is a little more complicated because I don't really know where I want to live. I sometimes say by the Beach, other times I say the City, and still other times I say the suburbs. Either way I want a house with a yard, and the possibility of a pet.
Family: This is a lot more complicated. The reason being that I only seem to fall for straight guys. Yeah I have horrible luck in love because the guys I am attracted to tend to be very masculine, and Not many openly gay men are butch. that's all I'm going to say on the matter.
After these thoughts I hit Teresa up on AIM, and told her I was finally giving up on finding love, and what I want, arguing that if I don't hope for anything, I wouldn't be disappointed when it didn't happen. Isn't that a wonderful plan?? Ha ha I think so.
OK so here is an example of what I mean by this:
When my girl friends and I went to a club on Friday night, we met this really hot, sweet, drunk ex-marine. He was 21 and just so damn hot I nearly died. He talked to us for a while, and decided to leave because he was so damn plastered. When we left we saw him standing on the street alone not doing much of anything but surely not going home. We decided that we would take him to his place and not just leave him alone there where he might pass out on the street(I honestly believe God led him to us that night so that he would be safe.) On the drive to his place he was kinda drifting in and out of consciousness, eventually resting his head on my shoulder, his hand on my leg. He was whispering in my ear about how sorry he was that he was so drunk. It made me feel really good to have him on my should and to hold him. This whole event led me to think more about my future(which I shall get into later,) and when he began balling about how his friend was shot in the head, I just wanted to hold him tighter, and closer, wipe away his tears and tell him it would all be alright. He was so vulnerable, and in a way I was too, I let my heart and mind explore, and what they saw scared me. I imagined, this is very unhealthy, him and I somehow falling in love, having a family, and life together. Yes this is a little creepy, but mind you, I didn't plan on it coming true, and I knew it wouldn't it was just wishful thinking on my part. this is why I have given up on love, because I know I will never have something come nearly as close as to how vulnerable and open I was with another human, and I will never never have another guy/man be that open and vulnerable with me.
(un)Happy Thoughts...
Teresa con-carne!
ha ha what a night! So I'm at Teresa's house waiting for her to finish with the camera, we are taking all these pictures, and looking like such idiots, but it's alright. sometimes you need to just let loose, and this is one of the few times she actually is! I'm so happy that she wants to do this.
so along with that, it must be said that I have decided to embrace my more conservative side of the family, rather than shut them out.
That's it for now, but one last thing before I go...I have a new crush, but with my luck in love, he's not into me nor will he ever be!
Happy Thoughts...
Expected disappointment is worse than expected...
So here's what's going on people, I am a Journalist, and there was an opportunity for me to go to New York, BUT it would have meant someone beginning horribly ill. I think this was the initial problem, karma doesn't like it when you hope something bad happens to a person to get what you want. So I was hoping and praying that this woman gets better but is too sick to go. Last night and all day today was just me being excited and hoping that I would be able to go.
I came to school today not planning on pestering the professor for details because she might have gotten pissed and changed her mind. So I went about the day thinking and praying that I would be able to go, and all the while she didn't speak to me, not once, about it.
After much thought I figured she may have not recalled so I chose to ask her about it before I left to a counseling appointment. She called the woman who was ill and spoke for a moment, than my heat stopped, she gave me a look of shear disappointment, the woman was going to go after all. My world collapsed, and though I didn't let it how, I felt like crying. I still do actually.
I had let my hopes run high, something I promised myself I wouldn't let happen. This feeling that I have now kills like a dull knife, the people I love are going to New York for their last time here at this school, without me. It's not that big a deal, I know that I will go next spring, but not with the same people that I would have gladly gone with.
So now I end this on a (semi)positive note; The people who are leaving, are the most talented, creative, supportive people I know, and I am glad that they get this opportunity.
(semi)Happy Thoughts...
Sweetness
Ah, the Newsroom! what a joy it is to be back, it has been a long winter and I am THRILLED to be here with my peers. Me life seems to be more complete now that I am in school and have a place to go. No more will I be home wasting me time and wasting my life.
So what's new with the peeps here at Substance and the Mountaineer? To begin with The Mountaineer is getting a whole new look, and it's gonna kick some major ass! You won't know what hit you! As for Substance, It's gonna be a subtle change that you will notice without noticing, if that makes sense. For me that is the best part, just being involved with journalism makes me feel like I have some meaning, some use. Yeah I know my job isn't important but it's still something. For now I think that's it, but I promise I will update you on the progress of Substance and The Mountaineer.
happy Thoughts...
The best Time I won't Remeber
Well I know it's been a long while since I last wrote but that's alright for now. Here are some recent things that have been going on in my world.
I got a contract to go back to camp this summer, and the day before i was going to send it out, I get an email saying that they decided they would rather not have me back. They claim it was because some of the campers complained but I feel in my heart of hearts it's because I am gay. This blows mainly because it was the best time of my life. Secondly this blows because of the gay issue. Really, WTF?
Well aside from that, I went to a Hotel Party last night, and let me tell you! It was some crazy shit. I got really messed up because Ricky was there, and I didn't want to see him. I was so drunk I ended up going under the sink to pass out. It was cool because Harrison, and Amanda took care of me and ended up watching me take a shit. I really do owe them alot.
Work sucks balls because I'm not getting hours, and It sucks more because my availability just went down now that I'm starting school.
Speaking of school, I'm only taking one class, but the down side is that I need to be taking more like English and math. I want to get the fuck out of there already. LAMBDA is going to be taking up my main focus this semester and I just want to do my best, Here's hoping i do!
Happy Thoughts...
Adventures in Nothingtown....
Wow, it's been a while now since I last wrote, and not too much has happened, except for today. It was an adventure all in itself.
I went with Bridgette to go get her birth control from planned parenthood, and it was shady as fuck. It was kinda funny cos we went to Pomona first, and than had to drive to El Monte. Oh, and did i mention that her car sucks ass? yeah you need to stop every now and again to let it restart, so that can pose a problem. Anyhow, so we went to El Monte and got her pills, along with condoms, and the Plan B Pill. WE kinda got hungry so we went to eat at Big D's burgers, can you say GHETTO? There were some nasty high school kids in the van next to us and we freaked the fuck out and left. We than went to Jim's Burger and ate some fries and she had a burger. We talked about shit and our love lives and other ish. When we were ready to leave she said she wanted to get gas. Well we go to this one little place and as we finished her car, remember the one that doesn't really work, decided to fail on us. This chinito started to honk and she said fine we'll try and move. We got to where you get on the street and her car died. The fucking chinito started to honk more and i flipped him off, he deserved it. But what was worse was that we were stuck in the middle of the street, i was calm but when she realized we were in El Monet she began to freak the fuck out. Cars were passing us and honking and the chinito behind was honking as well. Eventually we got the car starting and drove off into the sunset.
The drive home was AMAZING! We listened to bomb music, and the whole time I had my head out the window just feeling a total wave of euphoria. I looked behind us and saw the fiery sunset, giving the day a perfect ending, and when i looked ahead, the cool evening promised us more beautiful times and spectacular days!
This was truly an Amazing Day.
Happy Thoughts....
Another year, Another Fear...
As the title says, another year has come, and so have new fears. Kinda freaky, 2009 is here and wow I've been alive for twenty, not yet complete, years. There is something to be said about 2008, but that time has come and gone so we must speak of this year. What should we expect?? Well first off i hope my people will be more free and liberated, that's for sure. I would also like to think with this black man taking seat, oppression to all people will decrease. Things are kinda scary though, i mean wow we are getting older and things aren't changing. Maybe we have reached the peak of our evolution, and maybe we won't advance anymore. Scary huh? Well i doubt it. Some amazing things are going to happen and we will be amazed, and because it comes with wounder, we will all be scared. what can be said of this? nothing much really. In other news, I'm lost. Lost in so many ways i just need to be saved from myself. There is not much that can be done for me though. Fuck really why am I writing tonight? Well i might as well just continue. Joy isn't something that comes easily to many people and for me it's lacking. Facades will be pulled down and people's true intentions will be revealed. People will be forced into hiding and killed. Another genocide kind of but not really. It's the Gays that will be attacked, AGAIN, and no one will have Mercy for us. Minds will be changed, and we will all be hunted. It won't be safe for anyone who is not heterosexual. Fuck I'm just ranting. Well to change the subject, here's one of my favorite poems, enjoy!
Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep
Hope you Enjoy it!
Happy Thoughts...
